Dear diary,

I apologise for my outburst last night. It's been awhile since I let go of the frustrations, problem and thoughts inside of me. Thank you for serving me all this years, my emotional intercooler. I doubt anyone reads you anymore, so, for that, I think I can just shout my heart at you. Well, I'll save that for another day. Afterall, I'm just but a simple bottle. How many liters of stuff I can take before I reach my full capacity? I have no idea. But when it does start to overflow, I'll be sure to empty myself here =P

But man. With the holidays here, I thought I'd be able to run from it all. Escape. But instead, as I sit at home, with nothing to do, I reminicise, lament and sigh at myself for all that has happened over course of the past few months. Though I might have managed to psycho myself into thinking that, "This is all part and parcel of finding my happiness", I still think, why do things go wrong EVERY single time it comes to matters of the heart? Having seeked advice from my childhood friend, he straight out, told me bout the situation I am in. "Bro, EVERYTHING is going against you". Yes, I did say cooly that I'll duke it out with my emotions and steel myself till better days trenscend but if things always break apart before it even starts, then what the heck?! Yeah, so people tell me I'm a good guy, a gentlemen. And somehow, I manage to help people solve the many problems they have in life. But what bout me, myself and I. Why can't I be the person to save myself? Why must others save me? Why can I save others while others can't seem to save me? Why must my path to happiness be so tainted, poluted and cluttered that I suffocate and collapse from the mess before I even start searching for that gem. Yes, so I usually tell people, "If you think your suffering, there are others who are suffering even more". In the state I am in now, I say screw it. I want to think for myself more then I think for others. I pissed away the best in me because of that. BUT. YET. When I do be selfless, some people around me just, somehow, can't accept what I'm doing. So wtf? I help you humans so much and destiny just laughs at my face and give me shit? Hello~? I'm human too. I want my slice of happiness as well. Yes, you do give me happiness but in small increments. It's like the economic recession, except, you give me more and longer recessions then rises..If you do so, then the person won't flourish and just wilter.

I guess my childhood friend is right. Everything is going against me. Life and all. Yet, I still don't wanna stop. However, the wall blocking me called fear, still stands. I fear for my reputation, my life, my future and present, my relationships with people and currently, my feelings for her. When would be the time when I could just cast all these aside and feel light that I would feel reborned again then I could maybe pluck that courage to confess. But no, life just has to throw me into a scenario where I'm in a great state of confusion with the voices around me and hurt someone's feelings in the process. Sigh..Life..If this is your idea of a joke, it's not funny. If this is your idea of a test, I've endured. You want me to endure somemore? I'll gladly take up your challenge though I'll just keep wilting the further I go for you forgot to water this Mimosa. A defective touch-me-not who would gradually stop opening due to the lack of "rain" and constant "touching" of people.

I'll stop here. For now. Before I write an essay bout my rants eventhough I said I wont rant today.... Man I rant like a bitch..